All I Could Think of Was That There Were Better Ways to Die

 

I seriously thought it was going to end me. As is the case for most people who meet their demise unexpectedly, it all started like any regular day with no warning of what was about to happen. I had gotten some easy chores out of the way, did some exercise, and then had my late breakfast. Then came the time to take my daily supplements. 

I took out the pills out of the pill box and laid them on the table as I poured myself a full glass of water. I needed to take 7 pills, 4 of which are ginormous, at least by my standards. And because time is precious and I just wanted it over and done with, and also because I didn't want to drink more water than I'd have to, I decided to swallow the two biggest pills together. 

As soon as I gulped the two with a bit of water, I immediately felt something had gone terribly wrong. I felt the tablets stuck in my throat, as if they had gone down horizontally. I began to panic, with grim thoughts coursing through my imagination as I simultaneously gripped my full glass of water and started drinking furiously...

"Oh my God, I'm gonna die! I'm choking and this is not how I imagined it will all end. Shouldn't it be more dramatic, more meaningful, less stupid??"

"Does my husband know how to do the Heimlich maneuver? If not, can I do it on myself against this countertop?"

"Is this how it all ends, me choking on my vitamins? Can there be a more ironic death? How stupid is this going to look on my obituary?!"

My husband had just left the table and didn't even notice something was wrong until he turned around and saw water dribbling down my chin. I didn't care anymore, my instinct was just to keep drinking as fast as I could. I managed to wave my hand at him as if to say 'stop' and then mumbled, "Wait, don't go, I might be choking."

I ran to the sink and kept drinking more water. At some point, my husband emphatically said, "Swallow hard!" and I hurriedly complied. After about three full glasses, I finally felt the pills had 'unstuck' themselves, and I'm sure had partially dissolved from all the water I had drunk. 

I let out a sigh of relief and assured my husband I was going to be okay. Then I immediately made a pact with myself never to swallow more than one huge pill at a time. 

I also wondered if I'll keep having more of these embarrassing 'almost fatal' experiences like this one, or that bike accident in CO in 2016. I hope not. It's beginning to be more annoying than entertaining. 

But if there's really anything I've learned from these experiences—other than chewables being the safer bet—it's that up until the end, I exhibited both vanity and pride as I helplessly desired to dictate how death should take me. I suspect this tendency is more common among us humans than most of us would care to admit. 

You Are Privileged

Photo Credit: Motoki Tonn on Unsplash

There's now over 85 million cases worldwide, and 1.85 million deaths. 

After a year since news broke of the existence of COVID-19 / SARS-CoV-2, none of us on this planet can still say that their life has not been upended. Whether you've suffered through the illness, or remain one of the still fortunate ones to have been able to remain COVID-free, this pandemic has affected you one way or another...

None of us have been immune to the anxiety, wondering what more we can do to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.

Children can't visit their elderly or vulnerable parents and family members. 

Workers have lost their jobs. 

Shortages on some food items and cleaning products hit certain regions hard. 

Faces are masked and we keep our distance from each other. 

Our mental health has been affected in varying degrees due to the physical isolation required of us in trying to beat this virus. 

Hugs have become risky. 

Dining in restaurants is a gamble, and so is stepping inside stores to go shopping. And don't even get me started on travel. 

The list of how our lives have been altered by this pandemic is simply too long.  

2020 was, unequivocally, a year from hell. However, it was also an undeniably humbling year which offered limitless opportunities for growth. From having to deal with forest fires, the pandemic, and heightened racial tensions, to murder hornets and unprecedented political division especially in the United States, I was almost sure it wouldn't take long before we'd look out our windows and literally saw the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 

And yet here we are at the beginning of a new year, still carrying with us hope for better days. I never believed in new year's resolutions, but I think focusing on a 'Word of the Year' feels less oppressive and more reflective of our intentions for growth. 

After all the turbulence brought by 2020, I'd like to suggest 'PRIVILEGE' as our word. I know it might seem misplaced, but seriously contemplating on how you are privileged, no matter how cursed you might feel right now, may actually bring you peace and some much needed fuel for the road ahead. 

WE ARE PRIVILEGED. 

If you've managed to remain uninfected by SARS-CoV-2, you are privileged.

If you've caught the virus and survived, you are privileged.

If you live where medical interventions are accessible, you are privileged. 

If you still have a job, a source of income, you are privileged.

If you are not black—and especially if you are white—you are privileged.

If you have running water, you are privileged.

And let's be clear, you're privileged just by virtue of still being able to breathe and inhabit this planet.

You are here, alive and capable of many things. 

Moving forward, it would serve all of us to be cognizant of our sense of privilege, whatever that may look like. 

If you start this year, or any day of your life, recognizing your privilege, maybe we'd all live with more gratitude. 

Maybe we'd all find ways on how to be more generous towards others, in what ever capacity. 

Maybe our sense of agency would be stronger as we become clearer about ways in which we can influence this world more positively, rather than be dead weight. 

Maybe we'd simply become kinder. We all know humankind is in dire need of that.

Focus on your privilege, and then open your heart and hands. That's the only way we can all find greater meaning in our lives and affirm our humanity.