Friday, April 26, 2019

The Case Against Looking for Closure

Original Image: Pixabay


Closure is something we've all thought necessary—at one point or another—in the process of moving on from an experience that has ended. Perhaps it was a relationship break-up, a loved one’s death, or the unexpected demise of a cherished career. In most of these scenarios, the ending we’ve experienced has left us feeling blindsided and stuck in a rabbit hole filled with ‘whys’. Instinctively, we think answering these questions serve as stable footing for our climb up, only to realize too late that questions have a way of endlessly reproducing themselves. We wake up one day feeling more confused than ever, drowning in our questions and completely consumed by even more loose ends than what we initially started with.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against closure. However, I do know that you never look for closure. You birth it.

To have closure means finally being able to accept what happened, lifting any veil or illusion to clearly see what is, where you are now, and letting the reality sink in that the situation has happened and could not be any other way.

To have closure is to no longer have the desire to rewrite history. It is present-focused and future-ready.  

Most importantly to me, having closure is to be ‘self-empowered’, as opposed to looking outwards and relying on another person to give you what you need, whether it be answers to your questions, forgiveness, explanations, or direction for the future.

Trust me when I say that these lessons I’ve learned on closure are all grounded in personal experience. I’ve learned the hard way that involving another person in your personal search for closure never, ever works. Doing so is actually a ‘counter-closure’ move because the more you deal with the other person—the more power you surrender to that person as the one who can help you or give you the closure you seek—the further back you get pulled, and no significant healing is achieved. You keep thinking this other person holds the answers to your questions. You keep thinking you need this other person to give you clarity on what really happened, and that you need all these answers in order to move on. But all this does is delay your healing. All this does is pick at your already stinging wounds, and make you feel less in control of your own destiny.

The lessons on closure I share here now came to me through an ex-boyfriend/fiancĂ©. Other than my husband, I’ve only had one other serious romantic relationship. Ours was a saga. We fell deeply in love; broke up in a confused manner; semi-got back together; semi-broke up again; semi-hoped for each other; I got tired, fell in love again, and married someone else (my husband now); resentments surfaced; became friends; fought; he married and had a family too; became friends again; fought and swore off each other; until finally, he died. Last year he passed and lost his battle with cancer.

We sought closure from each other and it took more than a decade of our lives until death finally interfered. We threw our questions and accusations at each other, hoping it will bring us the finality we sought. I tried looking for closure through my questions but I failed. Now I know that sometimes the questions serve only as our excuse to keep us afloat. We find solace in our questions because they feel familiar and less daunting than the pain and work involved ahead in permanently shutting one door behind us and confronting our new normal.

Sometimes, questions don’t end by themselves no matter how many answers you get. You have to decide to end them. 

What I know for sure is that closure is a decision. It’s a gift you give yourself every day, if you have to. It's mustering the courage to open a new door, while knowing that you are allowed to grieve the past, and that doing so doesn't mean you are resisting your future. It's deciding to believe that getting answers won't change what is. It's making the decision that it no longer matters what the other person's reasons, state of mind, motivations, or sentiments are. What matters is what you feel, what you perceive, and how you intend to show up from this point onward to work on your healing. 


































6 comments:

  1. Beautifully written Joy! I think you are right!!

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  2. Thank you for this! Closure is most definitely a personal decision that is not dependent on the thoughts or actions of another. I've also learned that closure does not have to come as the result of forgiveness. You can choose to simply let things go rather than force yourself to forgive the actions of others.

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    1. I'm still (constantly) trying to learn what 'forgiveness' truly is, Jae. I know it's something we do for ourselves, not the other person. And it certainly doesn't mean forgetting and saying what was done was okay. But as you said, all this is a choice we make for OUR healing. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on this. xoxo

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  3. Love this! For sure closure isn't somethng you can force...it's creeps in quietly and just is. I love the idea of closure as a gift you give yourself, and that you've learned an amazing lesson about how what really matters is how you feel.

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    1. Thank you, Julie! Glad you enjoyed the read. xoxo

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