"What do you REALLY want?"
"What is your deepest, darkest desire?"
They're phrased differently in different episodes but these are the questions uttered by the devil in the t.v. series "Lucifer" to draw out people's secret thoughts. I know there are people who think this show is spiritually dangerous and that it should be canceled because it makes the devil look lovable, cool, and funny. But seriously, if your spirituality's maturity level as an adult is where you feel it can be easily shaped by a t.v. show then you probably shouldn't be watching any shows at all. Or you need some growing up to do. Anyway, I'm clearly a fan and have better things to do than protest the appearance of Tom Ellis on my screen as Lucifer.
Since the beginning of this show, I've always been fascinated with the 'desire' question and have wondered how I'd respond if I were asked by the devil and couldn't resist or lie.
What is it that I truly desire?
If I were being totally honest, my gut reaction would be to say that I want to lose my belly fat. Or maybe just fat all over, how about that? The sad thing is that when I asked my son to guess what my answer would be, he actually guessed correctly and said the same thing. I think that's sad because it means my son perceives how that desire consumes me and how frustrated I am with my body shape.
Ever since I can remember, I've always been 'chubby', 'rounded', 'big framed' and every other synonym you can think of to say that I was different from the norm weight-wise. I was never 'fat' or 'obese' as a child but always, I remember having a round, full belly, a round face and arms that are straight and shapeless. And they're not straight in a thin way but a full, squeezable way. I have always hated both my midsection and my arms, and from being that first grader in the picture below to this 42 year-old adult, I never quite got over my dissatisfaction with the body I was dealt. And lucky me, I was dealt this body in a country where people just naturally have smaller frames typical of Asians. I was always one of the 'bigger ones', the 'heavier one', sometimes made fun of by ignorant people who always assumed I just ate too much even though I really didn't, and thought body-shaming was entertaining.
However, to say that getting rid of my flab and lumps as my only real deep desire is probably only being half-honest to both Lucifer and myself. The whole truth would probably look more like this...
What I truly, deeply desire is to have the courage to fight my internal demons.
The entire truth is that it's not just about my body-image issues. There's a host of other things, a never-ending chant of self-doubt and deprecation echoing inside that torment me on an almost daily basis. There are days I'm able to shove them to the back of my consciousness and silence them for a while, but there are days when the caustic self-criticism is too loud, too pronounced that it's incapacitating.
I have no real talent. I am not skilled at anything valuable.
I am not good at anything that is of any real monetary value.
I am such an introvert who's not into networking that nothing remarkable or significant could ever happen to me.
I will never find my space in this life.
I share these not to invite pity or sympathy. I share them because I would like to believe that shedding light on these demons weaken them somehow, and hope that taking them out of the shadows loosens their grip on me. I know that no angel, fallen or otherwise, can magically grant me salvation and slay my demons for me. Just as in the show Lucifer, the question is asked simply to draw out the truth. The answers are still all mine and what I do with them is also solely up to me.
What about you? What is it that you really desire?