Friday, December 5, 2014

5 (Non-Lame) Reasons Why I Can't Workout at the Gym

Now that Thanksgiving is done, my ambivalence over this week has arrived, settled in, blew up its airbed and completely made itself feel at home.

Though I love how this week marks the beginning of Christmas preparations, this is also the week when all the remorse and self-loathing from allowing myself to overeat last week during Thanksgiving set in.

"I have to work out", is the constant voice in my head these days. And thank God I have a treadmill in my home, because frankly, you can't drag me to the gym. Not even if you dangled chocolate truffle-stuffed peanut butter cake pops coated in dark chocolate every step of the way.

It's not simply because of my introversion and my avoidance of as much human interaction as possible that strengthen my resistance to working out in the gym. And I wish I could tell you that it's because I think gym memberships are too expensive and that I simply don't want to pay for something I know I won't be able to wholeheartedly commit to. 

Those aren't my real reasons. 

These are...

Original Image by: Health Gauge

1. I'm too self-conscious and too lazy. Bad combination if you're talking about going out of the house. I'm too lazy to fix myself just to mess myself up within 30 mins of making all the effort to look presentable. I don't have a kind of haircut that permits me to just wear a headband or a pony tail to remedy a bed head. This means I'd have to shampoo and blow dry just to feel good about stepping out in public. My face also gets too puffy in the mornings and since I'm a bad sleeper, I also have to deal with dark circles around my eyes. Just the thought of making the effort to look presentable, only to sweat already exhausts me. It just doesn't make sense to me when I know I can just hop on my treadmill at home and feel free to look like crap. 

2. Exercise turns me into the Big Bad Wolf.  No, it's not that I morph into a villain. However, serious physical exertion does seem to transform me into some sort of blower. I huff, and puff, and I do it LOUD. After a couple of minutes of jogging, I end up exhaling really hard that anyone brave enough to stand within two feet of my face would surely feel my breath. Oh, and I think it's worth mentioning that when I get really focused and push myself to the edge of exhaustion, I sometimes unconsciously stick out my tongue to the side of my mouth. No, it's not sexy. Trust me. It looks odd and I'm sure, off-putting. These types of behavior are simply not for public consumption. Let me just stay at home and allow me to preserve some dignity.

3. Other hidden talents tend to come out. I hate exercising, so I really need to motivate myself for about 30-40 minutes and make sure I keep moving on my treadmill. To do so, I rely heavily on music. Having my iPod with me is imperative so I can listen to my workout playlist and feel feisty. As a result, I always end up singing along with The Style Council, The Script, and most especially Taylor Swift, while I also end up making these ugly, emotive facial expressions to go with the songs. From shouting "you're the best thing that ever happuh-hund" "we, are never, ever, ever....getting back together...", it's really like a mini-concert and I don't think any gym patron or other workout enthusiasts would be a fan of my performances. 

4. I have 'control' issues. Now, I really don't know how else to say this, or if I can even really sugar-coat this. And I wish I could say that if I told you, then I'm gonna have to kill you. But then who would read my blog? So, I guess I just have to spit this out and tell it like it is. Somehow, all the movement on the treadmill sometimes makes me either want to piss or take a dump. And while we're at it, I'll throw in 'passing gas' for good measure. It doesn't happen 100% of the time, but it happens often enough to convince me that working out outside of my home is not such a good idea for me. What if I feel the urge and have to run to the restroom, but have only used up 10 minutes of my treadmill time? I would have to lose my spot to someone else and it would just be such a hassle, not to mention extremely embarrassing if green gas followed me around! That would just be a waste of gym membership since I can guarantee that I'd never be able to show my face there ever again. Ever!

5. I'm a germaphobe. I think this is self-explanatory.

Beyond these five reasons however, there's really only one that perfectly justifies my choice to just workout at home.

My son made me a 'GO MA MA' banner and asked that I hang it in front of my treadmill in order to motivate me. He also placed a 'Way To Go' sign with his cut-out arrows right in front of me so that I won't give up and tire so easily. Isn't that just pure sweetness? I'm pretty sure no fancy gym anywhere in the world can offer me such heartwarming perks!

What about you? Do you have other non-lame reasons for staying out of the gym?


  1. Joy you are hilarious! I'm right there with you...except for the treadmill part. I don't like going out in public unless I absolutely have to and if I do it certainly won't be to a an all you can eat buffet, I'm your girl!

  2. I can relate but particularly enjoyed 2 and 3. I also make a lot of huffing and puffing noises on the treadmill...and I, too, like to sing, badly, to my iTunes. No need to feel guilty because you'd rather work out at home. It's a lot more convenient, too! Keep on huffin'. Here's my blog post (I'm in the midlfe FB group) -

  3. Perfect! I'm printing this to hang next to my exercise bike . . .

  4. Sounds to me like the best reason is that you get your best workout at home! Who wouldn't, with the adorable motivational signs from your son!! I fell out of the habit of going to the gym, and now can't seem to get the courage to go back!

  5. So funny! I always think about all the germs when I'm at the gym. The signs your son made for you are precious!

  6. Ugh....I can totally relate! I HATE the gym! I went with my husband about a month ago and was on the verge of a panic attack. I prefer to do dvd's at home and make really ugly faces while trying to keep up with Jillian Michaels.

  7. I think that you are cut out for a jog in the park...

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  9. In the first place, I hear you ask, why would it be advisable for me to purchase a treadmill by any stretch of the imagination, not to mention a used treadmill? nordictrack c900


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