No two break-ups are exactly alike. It then follows that no two heartbreaks will ever be exactly the same. Our uniqueness as individuals creates for us distinct ways of experiencing and dealing with pain, much like having a ‘heartbreak fingerprint’, if you will. The intensity, the length of time spent in this grieving process, our coping mechanisms, all depend not only on the quality of the just-ended-relationship, but also on what our personalities are like.
I’m an intense person who leans towards
introversion. And though I’m known to
have a strong penchant for anything cerebral and live to shred ideas to pieces if
only to subject them to over analysis, I also can’t deny a strong emotional
side. Yes, I’m a bit of a drama queen but
a ‘closet’ one. That means, when things
truly matter to me, I do feel intensely and passionately, although I almost never
flaunt such emotions. I won’t
deny that I do feed my masochistic tendencies by relishing my sorrow and
squeezing as much drama and good writing material out of it as if it were my
only source of satiation. In other
words, in some twisted way, I feed myself with what has killed me.
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Image: (theater) Fernando de Sousa from Melbourne, Australia |
So how does someone like me deal
with a break-up? I have one word for
you: Cinemafy. I’ve survived a soul-shattering break-up essentially
by making it as Hollywood-like as I could.
You know how in movies the heartbroken person (most likely a woman)
first reaches rock-bottom before finding redemption? Aren’t there always scenes where she first falls
into a coma-like state while feeding herself with nothing but junk food, feels
crappy and looks unkempt, and then moves into self-discovery mode by walking
(yes, it’s always walking or running with great background music) all over
town? That’s pretty much how I did it.
At the time, I lived in an
apartment and would only go home to my parents’ house on weekends. Since I had no energy to cook, I lived off of
the glorious P&P combo… …Pizza and Pepsi.
I took long walks by my lonesome after work amidst old trees and dared
myself to do this even at night time. I
know this might sound stupid now considering I really could’ve been
mugged. But at that time, it was as if
all that mattered was for me to test my limits and push beyond all of my
comfort zones. I was angry and broken
and wanted to see if changing my self would also mean ridding my self of the
love I felt for my ex.
I spent hours in bed looking at
the ceiling while in a semi-catatonic state, rewinding events and conversations
in my head, trying to make sense of it all.
I watched Bridget Jones’ Diary, over and over
until I practically memorized the lines and spoke with a British accent. Heck, I WAS Bridget Jones! Remember that first scene where she was
wearing her pajamas as she lip-synched to All
By Myself? Yes, that was me.
I also drank vodka, but since I
was (or am) a wuss, I only drank it mixed and very mildly.
I listened to Ella
Fitzgerald as I felt completely wasted, not with alcohol, drugs or
nicotine, but with grief and over-analysis.
I wrote in my journal. A LOT.
I cried and prayed and begged. And then I slept.
I forced myself to go out with friends to have
some distraction. It didn’t take long
for me to realize that going out wasn’t always a great idea because I only
ended up even more depressed and psychotic as I felt like killing every couple
I saw walking past me. The agony was
worse if I saw interracial couples. (The
ex is British). It could've easily turned into a Linda Blair-spinning-head scene from The Exorcist. I knew I had to be very careful because out there was an emotional landmine.
Finally, I figured I needed to
leave the country for a short vacation and time abroad to further distract and
convince myself that there’s so much out there to look forward to and discover
about myself. (Don’t you think this was
very Sabrina-ish?...the
remake with Julia Ormond, not the Audrey Hepburn original). Unfortunately,
I ended up torturing my best friend, with whom I flew for approximately 20 hours, by talking about my ex and our intense love
affair, non-stop! I can imagine that she was probably thinking
that it would’ve been far more pleasurable to jump off of the plane than hear
one more bit of my reminiscing.
So, yes. I did a movie-worthy post-break-up journey and I don't regret any moment of it. I felt the depth of my pain while feeling like a movie star. I paid attention to my self-discovery and healing, while imagining that it was a magical and glamorous experience. You might as well have fun while you try to pick up and put together your heart's jagged shards. Create soundtracks, come up with cheesy lines and choose your inspiration characters. Most importantly, plan for a happy ending. Sometimes the main characters get back together, but sometimes they don't. But in any movie, the best and most memorable endings are those where the characters dared to go deeper into self-discovery, ending up feeling more self-assured, enlightened and evolved. That's real triumph. That's the real key to surviving a break-up.
How did you survive yours?
Hmmm...how did I survive heartbreaks? I cry and I pray a lot. It was during those times that I just give it all to Him. And it's only Him I can tell things over and over and I know He doesn't get tired even if I'm on an endless loop. I cry myself to sleep at night...but during the day, I had to work so I put on a calm facade. I'm not the type who likes to cry in front of people, even friends. I distract myself also. No use replaying everything 24/7...not good for my sanity.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, it's only by God's grace that I have moved on.
Crying does help a LOT. It's like we really need to literally get it out of our systems. However, unlike you, Aileen, (unfortunately) I replay things endlessly. I really don't recommend doing that. No wonder I'm so crazy, hahaha! Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experience! I hope all's well with you :-))
DeleteI survived by promising myself we'd get back together again someday. I survived in rebound relationships, Scotch, work, fleeing to another country and ultimately, writing a book. I survived because we became friends - anything better than not seeing him again. I survived because I kept hoping right until the end four years ago. I have survived without him in this world.
ReplyDeleteOh Pennie, your experience struck me to the core...."I survived because we became friends...fleeing another country...hoping...." *sigh* I guess to complete the list, I now need to write a book. Working on it ;-) Thanks for your heartfelt comment. Seriously.
DeleteFor me it is something like: cry, walk, cry, walk, cry, walk...And the silver lining is that I don't feel hungry for a few days...
ReplyDeleteYeah, why is that?...not hungry. I guess we lose our appetite a bit. I remember I lost some weight too during that time in spite of the unhealthy pizza and pepsi diet. Not sure why. Glad it's over now right? ;-)
DeleteIn this Resist Average Academy Minute, I teach you how to handle a tough break-up.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been through these and many times they can leave us confused, wondering what happened and blaming ourselves.
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