I am aware that there are far too many
confessions out there these days, and that most of you are probably sick of
reading them. Confessions of workaholics, shopaholics, alcoholics,
sexaholics and other forms of addictions you can possibly conjure up in your
imaginative heads. But in the spirit of pursuing deeper authenticity
(I did specify that as one of my goals for 2013), I feel that I
owe it to myself and to you, my amazing Catharsis friends, to come clean and
talk about something that has been consuming me for God knows how long.
I am a super-duper-ultra-paranoid parent
to the max, especially when it comes to my son's health. I profess my deep loathing for this personal
trait, and honestly think that I need help.
So if you are a Mom reading this, I’m begging you to read on and share
your thoughts below. More than anything,
I would like to hear how you might be handling your world differently. Or if
you are like me, then you'd certainly be doing me a favor just to let me know I'm not alone in all this. If you're not a parent, I would certainly still love to hear your perspective. You might just be the one I need to rescue me out of this insanity. I perpetually
say that I would give anything to finally find my way to Zen land, but as with
most things in life, this one's far easier said than done, unfortunately.
My BFF insists I've now become a
germaphobe and though I reject the idea, I think she might be at least just a tad right. (Is the voice
of denial so obvious?) We (as in mostly my son and I) still touch
things when we go out somewhere, but we sanitize as soon as we get in the car.
I also insist that as soon as my son steps into the house after each
school day, he head straight to the powder room to wash his hands with soap and
water. I remind him to cough inside his arm, avoid constantly touching
his face or mouth when he's in school, never put anything in his mouth that has
landed on the ground and other common sense things that experts remind us to do
to avoid illnesses. Admittedly, I am scared being around crowds and
people who I know are presenting with symptoms. Actually, I'm not scared
for me, but for my son but it doesn't make sense to leave myself unprotected
when I'm constantly around him as well.
I hate it and feel imprisoned by it but when I think of the alternative,
I always feel like I’m left with not much choice.
My 5-year old picks up on illnesses quite
easily, you see. Though I know I may be
over-reacting (you think??), I can’t help but feel like almost every cold turns
into a bad cough and then fever. We’re
lucky when it stops there. But can you
really blame me for being overprotective when this boy has had severe bronchiolitis
and pneumonia in the past, which have led to a hospitalization and numerous
visits to either the ER or the urgent care facility? The slightest sniffle or clearing of his
throat can send me on a mental and emotional tailspin and it’s not pretty.
As of January 2012, I have kept a journal
of all of my son’s illnesses. Complete
with dates and times, I made it a point to record every symptom (mostly
respiratory), medication taken, as well as abnormal body temperatures. I figured it was necessary to collect real
data so that I will not only remember his symptoms but also the way each
disease progressed. If I wanted to see patterns, then I certainly needed a record of everything, right? At the end of the
year, it also gave me a good picture of how often he really got sick, as
opposed to just me saying, “Oh he gets
sick a lot”. I needed to realistically quantify and be as
accurate as one can be. A bit much? Well, I have my Sociology training to blame. Go figure!
All this data collection proved useful
when I brought him to his pediatrician the last time he got sick last
December. I’m pretty sure there were a
million thought bubbles going on in the doctor’s head when I pulled out a
summary sheet of this ‘illness journal’ but I didn’t care. I needed to show her that I had real data and
needed her to tell me if all this was cause for concern. Was there anything unusual? Is there anything wrong with my son’s immune
system? That was my real fear. I told her we are doing all that is
recommended --- being clean, trying to eat well, sleep well, etc. --- and yet
still quite frequently catching all these bugs.
The doctor assured me that my son is
consistently growing (weight and height) and that if there was anything wrong
with his immunity, that would be one area that will definitely be
affected. She also said it’s common to
catch close to 10 bugs per season (when all along I thought it was 10 per
year). I know that this sounds a bit
whiny to some of you considering you might have had to deal with numerous
strep infections, ear infections, and other far more serious illnesses. But I feel for my son how each parent feels
for their child…pure love for one who is the world to them. Everything is magnified, nothing is
unimportant.
I read from somewhere before that being a
parent feels like having your heart outside your body. This is very true, isn’t it? I have never felt this much vulnerability,
this much love but at the same time fear.
I constantly think of the world and how life is changing, the viruses and
bacteria becoming more virulent in each passing year, while our bodies are becoming
more resistant to medications.
On the upside, the sense of helplessness
and overwhelming fear have brought me back to prayer. God and I have been ‘weird’ since my 2010
miscarriage but slowly, I have found my way back to the sense of comfort that
prayer brings. If anything, I know that
it forces me to go within and alter the stream of negative thoughts that drown
me at times. It gives me a sense that
there is greater energy beyond me that I can access and rely on. On sleepless and restless nights, the
repetitive prayers never fail to lull me to sleep. If only for that, I am grateful. Any semblance of peace, no matter how
momentary, is always welcome especially since I still haven’t gotten around to
getting myself a personal valium drip.
So, yes, I need help. How do you not lose your mind when your little one gets sick? How do you cope? How do you manage to exhale? Is there something in the Motherhood 101 manual that I missed? Is there a secret mantra that sane and zen parents know? Or does my genetic coding simply not have the capability to recognize balance? I am looking forward to reading your perspective on this, and thank you in advance!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Let me know your thoughts!