I have a big crush. I had completely forgotten how it felt to be
so drawn to something that you can’t let go of the idea of possessing it and become
so consumed by it.
He is tall, dark (bronzy), and, well...faceless. He spoke to me as I was roaming the aisles of a home furnishings store.
He is tall, dark (bronzy), and, well...faceless. He spoke to me as I was roaming the aisles of a home furnishings store.
I’m not a ‘shopper’. I do it occasionally but when I do, I always
make sure I have a purpose. There’s
normally a need in mind, whether it’s an outfit or room accessories. (Yes, I know...Using the word ‘need’ with the words ‘outfit’, and ‘accessories’ in one
sentence just seems off. Please pardon
the incongruence). When shopping, I feel
most efficient when I am alone. This
way, I can spend as little or as much time as I need, without feeling like I’m
inconveniencing someone else. I can be
very anal about selecting my items so shopping alone saves me the feeling of
being judged or made fun of….(talk about being paranoid!) I can stare at an item for an unbelievably
long time, have an entire debate go on in my head as I look at an item. Tilt my head, squint my eyes, twist my
lips. If you saw me, you’d know how much
I’m dissecting something that does not really need that much analysis. Suffice it to say, that I spent an obscene amount of time staring and dissecting every inch of my crush at the store where I found him.
Maybe I shop like this because
I’m cerebral? Or maybe I shop like this
because I grew up in a country where returning merchandise is not part of the
culture. After migrating here to the
States, it took me a while to get accustomed to the idea that items bought can
just easily be returned. I still don’t
like returning merchandise after I’ve gone through the effort of buying
them. I hate it. I like the idea of it, the freedom it gives
me as a buyer and the possible neurosis it saves me knowing that I can make a
mistake and undo it. But I also hate how
such a practice potentially breeds groups of noncommittal buyers; how it could
breed laziness and carelessness with shopping since you know you can make
mistakes or simply change your mind and return your stuff. (I’m overthinking this again, am I not?)
I’m digressing so let me go
back….

But I felt powerless and found myself unable to resist the need to possess, and suddenly very able to forgive all his flaws. It was bound to happen. This man on the bicycle knew my weakness. He looked interesting, almost poetic. One of a kind (at least on the shelf where we met, although I know there’s probably at least a hundred of him in China where he came from). Alien to me (I’ve never seen anything like him my entire life!). From the moment I laid eyes on him, even more so when I touched him, I knew I was completely charmed.
Even the shadow he casts enchants me...
I did my best to free
myself. I put him down and actually
walked away. But I only made it to up to
two feet away and once again found my feet pulling me back to where he was. I shuddered at the thought of seeing someone
else have him and in no time, convinced myself that I will never find him anywhere
else again and that if I went home without him, I’d only be haunted by his
image and punish myself for letting him go when I already had him in my hands….for
such a great price!!
So I took him home proudly and
set him on my office table for me to look at every single day. As I am typing this, he is to my right, and he continues to make me smile with every glance I give
him.
Like I said, I know better than to think of him as perfection. When I took him from the shelf, I noticed his defects but thought they added to the mystery. I searched online to look for a 'perfect version' of him and found this. For about five seconds, I felt a tinge of disappointment, but very quickly, I bounced back and thought that I really do like him the way he is, riding solitarily. To be honest, I don't think I would've taken him home with me had I found him in his original state.
Like I said, I know better than to think of him as perfection. When I took him from the shelf, I noticed his defects but thought they added to the mystery. I searched online to look for a 'perfect version' of him and found this. For about five seconds, I felt a tinge of disappointment, but very quickly, I bounced back and thought that I really do like him the way he is, riding solitarily. To be honest, I don't think I would've taken him home with me had I found him in his original state.
But I know soon it will come…that
moment when I open my eyes one day and feel no sense of mystery about it; when
I feel that I have it all figured out.
Boredom. When that sense of
ordinariness creeps in and I will no longer feel drawn to him and all sense of
novelty has dissipated. Isn’t this how
all infatuations end?...unless of course unknowingly, I have already
completely
fallen
in love....
completely
fallen
in love....