Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Undeniably Smitten

I have a big crush.  I had completely forgotten how it felt to be so drawn to something that you can’t let go of the idea of possessing it and become so consumed by it.  

He is tall, dark (bronzy), and, well...faceless.  He spoke to me as I was roaming the aisles of a home furnishings store.  

I’m not a ‘shopper’.  I do it occasionally but when I do, I always make sure I have a purpose.  There’s normally a need in mind, whether it’s an outfit or room accessories.  (Yes, I know...Using the word ‘need’ with the words ‘outfit’, and ‘accessories’ in one sentence just seems off.  Please pardon the incongruence).  When shopping, I feel most efficient when I am alone.  This way, I can spend as little or as much time as I need, without feeling like I’m inconveniencing someone else.  I can be very anal about selecting my items so shopping alone saves me the feeling of being judged or made fun of….(talk about being paranoid!)  I can stare at an item for an unbelievably long time, have an entire debate go on in my head as I look at an item.  Tilt my head, squint my eyes, twist my lips.  If you saw me, you’d know how much I’m dissecting something that does not really need that much analysis.  Suffice it to say, that I spent an obscene amount of time staring and dissecting every inch of my crush at the store where I found him.

Maybe I shop like this because I’m cerebral?  Or maybe I shop like this because I grew up in a country where returning merchandise is not part of the culture.  After migrating here to the States, it took me a while to get accustomed to the idea that items bought can just easily be returned.  I still don’t like returning merchandise after I’ve gone through the effort of buying them.  I hate it.  I like the idea of it, the freedom it gives me as a buyer and the possible neurosis it saves me knowing that I can make a mistake and undo it.  But I also hate how such a practice potentially breeds groups of noncommittal buyers; how it could breed laziness and carelessness with shopping since you know you can make mistakes or simply change your mind and return your stuff.  (I’m overthinking this again, am I not?)

I’m digressing so let me go back….

The man on a bicycle.  There is something about him that draws me in and just won't release me.  Something about him inspires and fascinates me.  I just can’t stop staring at him, wanting to feel every groove.  I’m enthralled by him, completely mystified.   He is far from perfect, with some chips here and there.  Yet I knew I had to have him.  I tried being rational, convincing myself I should not waste my time and resources on something imperfect right from the get go.  

But I felt powerless and found myself unable to resist the need to possess, and suddenly very able to forgive all his flaws.  It was bound to happen.  This man on the bicycle knew my weakness.  He looked interesting, almost poetic.  One of a kind (at least on the shelf where we met, although I know there’s probably at least a hundred of him in China where he came from).  Alien to me (I’ve never seen anything like him my entire life!).  From the moment I laid eyes on him, even more so when I touched him, I knew I was completely charmed. 

Even the shadow he casts enchants me...

I did my best to free myself.  I put him down and actually walked away.  But I only made it to up to two feet away and once again found my feet pulling me back to where he was.  I shuddered at the thought of seeing someone else have him and in no time, convinced myself that I will never find him anywhere else again and that if I went home without him, I’d only be haunted by his image and punish myself for letting him go when I already had him in my hands….for such a great price!!

So I took him home proudly and set him on my office table for me to look at every single day.  As I am typing this, he is to my right, and he continues to make me smile with every glance I give him.  

Like I said, I know better than to think of him as perfection.  When I took him from the shelf, I noticed his defects but thought they added to the mystery.  I searched online to look for a 'perfect version' of him and found this.  For about five seconds, I felt a tinge of disappointment, but very quickly, I bounced back and thought that I really do like him the way he is, riding solitarily.  To be honest, I don't think I would've taken him home with me had I found him in his original state.  

But I know soon it will come…that moment when I open my eyes one day and feel no sense of mystery about it; when I feel that I have it all figured out.  Boredom.  When that sense of ordinariness creeps in and I will no longer feel drawn to him and all sense of novelty has dissipated.  Isn’t this how all infatuations end?...unless of course unknowingly, I have already



in love....