Today I'm remembering Emily. I don't know exactly when her heart stopped beating and when she decided to leave this world but it was on this same date last year when I went for closure. If you have been following this blog for a while, you may remember that late last year, I was pregnant for a few weeks but had a miscarriage and ultimately had to go through a D&C.
Did I expect too much of my self when I thought I would be completely 'over it' by now? I'm realizing that it may never happen. Friends who have gone through the same experience have said before that the pain only gets dulled but never completely leaves you. The worst part is that it often surprises me. Last week, as I watched a recorded Oprah's Lifeclass episode dealing with letting go of the past, and thinking that I have succeeded in freeing myself from the stinging shards of my shattered dreams, I began to cry. As I sat alone watching this mother who was weeping for her dead newborn, asking how she can go beyond the paralyzing pain, I felt my own pain resurface. As I listened to Gary Zukav, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, speak about viewing reality from the perspective of the soul instead of just the personality, and therefore seeing that Emily IS a soul that lingers and that it was only her personality that CHOSE to depart when it chose to, I felt my own tears warm my cheeks.
|My Christmas Angel ornament from 2010|
in remembrance of Emily
In less than a month after we lost Emily, without my husband even actively searching for a different job, he got hired by another company. As soon as he started with the new company early this year, he has had to fly so often on most weeks that I was like a single parent to Noah most months. I am sure that it would have been extremely difficult for me to manage by myself had I been pregnant because given my history, it would have been a sensitive pregnancy.
Even before we reached the middle of this year, the interstate move became somewhat of a necessity due to the new job. Had I been pregnant, and with a husband who has gotten busy beyond words, would it have been possible for me to pack all our things and be organized with our move? I don't think so.
Somehow, the pain of losing something so precious highlighted for me the fleeting nature of things around us. It made me realize even more that each MOMENT counts when it comes to those you love. It constantly reminds me to see what is real, what truly counts, instead of wasting energy on meaningless 'stuff'.
Having Emily in my life has also shown me a different kind of Love. I know it and feel it but somehow am still unable to fully articulate it at this time. For now I call it 'Love' for its encompassing presence. I feel something transformed in me after the anger and God-blaming passed. It is still happening and though I cannot completely describe it now for you to fully understand it, trust that it is real. Hopefully someday soon, I will be able to fully express this evolution that I know is happening to my spirit. What I'm certain of now is that Emily's spirit is urging mine to be more enriched.
I suppose this is what healing truly means. It's not about forgetting. It's not about never feeling the pain and not breaking down at times. It's about being clear that positivity is a constant choice you have to make and doing your best to summon the strength within to enable you to make that choice. To be on the path of healing is to have the courage to confront all your pain, and instead of choosing to be defeated by it, you choose to accept it as something that makes you deeper and more able to connect with life more fully. Most of all, it is to allow the voice of gratitude to speak louder rather than be drowned out by your cries of wanting.
Perhaps she left when she did, weeks just before Christmas, so that I may experience the real meaning of this season. To be able to feel the resilience of my own soul and have access to wisdom only deep pain can uncover, are priceless gifts I will treasure forever.