All my life, I’ve struggled with my weight. If there is something I’ve never really experienced, it’s how it feels to be skinny or just weigh normally, to be an ordinary size and not stick out, not be plump. As a child, I was never obese, just always ‘bigger’ than my peers. Early on, I became aware of how my arms were bigger, stomach rounder and nothing I did seemed to matter as far as making myself shrink and just be like the other kids. I got teased quite a bit, but oddly, mostly by adults. I was never the object of bullying or teasing among my peers. As a matter of fact, I’ve always been part of the ‘upper crust’, if I may say so, as I was always a good student, and somehow I think this exempted me from a good amount of meanness and youthful roughness, to say the least.
But really, which is worse if you think about it? The teasing from another child who just doesn’t know any better, or one from an insensitive adult who can easily have so much effect and influence on a child with mere words? In my past, I got used to hearing insensitive remarks from adults who thought they were being funny or maybe concerned when they would tell me and my parents that I seemed to have been "spending too much time in the kitchen", or I seem to be "loving food too much". And did these people also think it was polite and acceptable to greet me by saying, “Oh you gained weight and look fat” (spoken in Filipino), as if it were the acceptable alternative to "Hi, how are you?". I’ve always had such violent thought bubbles for those people so indeed they are lucky that my parents raised me well and that I have a reasonable level of restraint and respect for the law.
But really, which is worse if you think about it? The teasing from another child who just doesn’t know any better, or one from an insensitive adult who can easily have so much effect and influence on a child with mere words? In my past, I got used to hearing insensitive remarks from adults who thought they were being funny or maybe concerned when they would tell me and my parents that I seemed to have been "spending too much time in the kitchen", or I seem to be "loving food too much". And did these people also think it was polite and acceptable to greet me by saying, “Oh you gained weight and look fat” (spoken in Filipino), as if it were the acceptable alternative to "Hi, how are you?". I’ve always had such violent thought bubbles for those people so indeed they are lucky that my parents raised me well and that I have a reasonable level of restraint and respect for the law. I also got used to hearing what I would call ‘non-generous, half-hearted, pseudo-compliments'. Examples of such are the following: "Oh you’re so pretty, but you need to lose weight”, or the innocent but extremely loaded “Oh what a pretty face you have!”. I always thought to myself, “Sheesh! Couldn’t you just compliment me, the WHOLE me, instead of limiting it to just one body part?” It was like a one-two punch really, wasn’t it? Complimenting my face but also almost simultaneously insulting the rest of my body so in the end, it all evens out. I end up not really feeling any better than before they had opened their mouths and spat out their venom.
Yes, to a child that is all poison. Actually, to any person of any age, really, because I continued to hear all those even to my late teens, early twenties and it was still damaging just the same. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always been jealous of people who did not give a damn about how they looked, how much they weighed and felt so self-assured. I’ve always felt conscious about my size even though eventually, I realized that my frame is just naturally bigger than the normal Filipino’s frame and that no amount of dieting and exercise will make me shrink to the ‘normal’ size (and what is 'normal' anyway??). I’ve always carried extra weight, yes, I don’t deny that. But my point is that even during those years, when, looking back now more objectively, I did not really carry that much excess weight, I still never felt ‘normal’ or pretty enough and comfortable about myself. I was just never happy with how I looked. Sadly I still don’t know how to be happy with my own body. I’m in my late 30’s now and though I’m doing my best to appreciate what I have and what life has blessed me with, I still struggle. I still hide under clothes that conceal my real shape. I still think of myself as ‘fat’ even though people tell me I look fine. I still criticize myself non-stop and can’t seem to give myself genuine compliments. And when I hear them, I am grateful and feel happy, though I know deep down, my brain rejects it. How can it not when it’s the only wiring it knows? How can it not when all its life, what it has heard is that its body is not good enough, not attractive unless it loses weight; that no one can genuinely fall in love with this person unless this body, this person ceases to be its overweight self.
I still hear those voices now. It’s sad isn’t it? That a child, adolescent and adult can be told that she’s not enough just as she is. Like it never mattered what I accomplish or who I was inside. Like none of it can be seen because it was all drowned out by my big frame and excess pounds, that I never had the typical 'Asian' look or size.
In a way though, I guess there are still blessings behind all this. I became more appreciative of sincere compliments. I also grew up more compassionate and understanding of other people’s shortcomings. I knew how it felt to be made to feel less so I don’t like making other people feel less than who they truly are. I’m also grateful that I proved someone wrong when I was told that no one can ever fall in love with a chubby me. (But I admit I still do wonder sometimes if they fell in love with the whole package or just my 'inner beauty'....hmmmm....See what I mean?)....
However, honestly I still remember those few who chose to insult me maliciously years ago, those who did it to entertain themselves. I still remember their faces and though I’ve forgiven them, I still feel sorry that they were ignorant and thought they were being funny and doing something totally acceptable when all they were truly being was hurtful and mean. Let me just say that Karma took care of things for me. Let’s just leave it at that. 
and my friends and I tried discussing this once during a girls’ night in (GNI). I thought about this question again as I panted on the treadmill (which you all know about now after last Tuesday's 
, fire me up!....Keep running, you can push it….one more solid minute, keep going…………..(scream!)…..Whew!......Now slow down, walk, walk, walk, but keep that incline…up, up, up…..There, that’s good…..Let this chorus go but prepare for the next one….another run and make it faster…..
