She was also the one he feared the most. He was a man so used to living alone, coping with loneliness, that any possibility of deep joy, love and fulfillment was seen as fearful. He admitted that for the very first time, he felt happy and alive loving her, being with her, hoping for her..and yet he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it and recover if their love ever ended, if they parted. He was so sure that was the kind of pain and brokenness he would never be able to recover from. And that caused him so much fear...so much that love did not stand a chance.
In the end, there is one basic truth for him that he was never able to heal. It is his belief that he is broken and unworthy, and that everything he touches is cursed to fail. Every decision he made, all the pain he caused both of them stemmed from that belief. The problem is, his belief is an illusion to her. And her belief in his perfection is an illusion to him. How can such dissonance breed and nurture love and an everlasting union? It was all doomed since the beginning.
In the beginning, my steps were fraught with uncertainty. You were new, different, surprisingly refreshing and truthfully, undoubtedly threatening to the facade of self-contentment I've so painstakingly perfected. It didn't take long for me to feel, that the certainty in your spirit was more than enough to plant my feet firmly on this journey of spiritual partnership.
When I look back at how we started, remembering how you were, the things you wrote or said, I always feel a sense of innocence or purity about you. You really were a breath of fresh air and for a change, I loved how secure you've always made me feel; how reassured I've always been, stable and secure with your intentions, affection and love. With this sense of security, this calmness you brought into my life, I knew I could do so much more, be so much more of who I am meant to be. I've also always seen you as an equal and I've always felt I could be my self around you. Only in this state of comfort, truthfulness and freedom can one truly grow. When we could be our true selves, that's when we make space for evolution; space for our souls to feel free to strive for anything we desire to be and in the process giving greater chance for our highest selves to be realized...only when we feel free to be our genuine selves. And that is the greatest gift meeting you, loving you, and being loved by you have given me. Not only do you honor me at both my best and worst, you encourage me to accept my self as well, even those parts I am not at peace with. Your love healed and continues to heal and I will always be grateful for that.
Our relationship is far from perfect. But it's in the bumps and imperfect edges that we are able to constantly affirm our commitment to grow together, our commitment to embrace even each other's sacred intransigence.
I feel blessed, beyond words, to be loved by someone like you. And I am equally blessed for having the privilege of loving you. They say happiness is more difficult to articulate and write about, compared to pain and sorrow. In agreement with this, I can only echo words from a timeless love song at this point and hope these words are enough to capture how my heart beats for you...
Time after time
I tell myself that i’m
So lucky to be loving you
So lucky to be
The one you run to see
In the evening, when the day is through
I only know what I know
The passing years will show
You’ve kept my love so young, so new
And time after time
You’ll hear me say that i’m
So lucky to be loving you