Friday, December 3, 2010

Yet Another Day My World Stood Still


It's never good when you go for your ultrasound and the sonographer's face suddenly morphs into uncertainty.  I lay there, feeling anxious myself, and yet still hanging on to every thread of hope.  She said she's having a hard time seeing the baby's heartbeat.  She said she needs an extra pair of eyes.  At that point, I knew.  I was actually dreading today's appointment and just had a strange premonition that there was something wrong.  There has been nothing physically abnormal with this pregnancy that would have given me any warning but it was an inexplicable feeling these past days.  Something just did not feel right and though the baby is barely an inch long and therefore movements can't really be felt yet, I just 'felt' as if he/she was not there anymore...like there was nothing 'alive' in my womb.  That's the closest I can get to describe how I've felt in the past days, which is why I was actually dreading today's ultrasound appointment.  Suffice it to say that I was exceptionally nervous today.  And now I know why.

After a minute or two, the nurse/midwife came in and I watched their faces as they looked at the screen.  I was screaming inside, 'Tell me!!!' but could not seem to find the strength.  After a few more minutes, the nurse finally confirmed it, while touching my knee gently.  God knows what exactly they said.  I'm sure they said 'Sorry Joy' or something to that effect.  All I remember is that I broke down.  I was not hysterical but I felt my insides break into pieces, my chest ready to explode.  Both of the women hugged me and consoled me, after explaining that my baby seemed to have stopped growing at 7weeks.  They also did not detect any heartbeat and showed me the screen to point out that nothing was moving / beating.  

I thought I was prepared for the worst but no one ever is.  I thought it would not hurt as much since I already have one child, but when a dream dies, you die.  Emily or David is no more.  This is it.  Noah will probably not have a sibling anymore.  You can tell me to hope and not give up, but logically speaking, we all know my chances are pretty bleak.  I don't even want to have false hopes anymore.  Let's just be realistic.  And besides, I can't even begin to imagine the possibility of trying to conceive again and face the possibility of another heartbreak.

As with any heartbreak, healing will come.  I am certain of it.  I just don't know when.  And as with any failure, we ought to ask ourselves what we take from the experience in order to move on.  So I'm asking...

Do I call life a treacherous bastard, or a mysterious gift never meant to be fully understood but only accepted, embraced?

Do I give up on hope and deem it useless as it does nothing but pull the rug out from under me, or is hope the ultimate teacher of humility, making me realize that we are all free to experience it while knowing there are no guarantees?

Is it just about my unbearable loss and sense of grief, or also the wonderful presence of a loving husband and son urging me to walk on and rekindle my sense of joy?

Do I accept defeat in this test of faith, or is proof of the Divine's compassionate hands in the countless messages of concern I have received from family and friends all over the world, enveloping me in a cocoon of silent, yet assuring love? 

The pain is still too fresh and though I know which way to go, I also have to be kind to myself and give ample time for the mind, heart and spirit to all connect.  I am fully aware I have no monopoly of this pain, especially this specific kind of pain, and that I am in the company of countless brave women who have treaded this path before me.  Really all I ask for are prayers, time and your patience.  Allow me to vent should anger arise and the pain becomes too unbearable to contain.  Allow me silence and solitude as well, for this is my spirit's way of replenishing its strength.  Most of all, please allow me whatever transformation this experience will bring (or may have already brought on).  I lost my child, my flesh, blood, hope and love.  Change is inevitable.                





















18 comments:

  1. 12.4.10 10pm via FB

    I got too emotional reading your blog ( while in hospital bed with sick 2 yr old beside me). Dunno what to say except " i understand what you're going through". I hope that that too will pass... Take care and God bless you more.

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  2. joy, i felt my heart stop as i read every sentence of your blog. i'm so sorry for your loss. my prayers are with you and your family. have faith

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  3. Hang in there, Joy. Prayers, love and light go out to you. -

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  4. Im just stunned and saddened by your news. Words couldnt express my sympathy over your baby's fate. My heart tells me that he/she is with God's other angels and is watching over you, Noah and your husband.
    Please be strong and have faith in your heart. I believe God has a much better plan, for youre truly a wonderful Mom. And may that love you have for your child lift you, hold you close and give you peace.

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  5. hugs and prayers for you, Joy.

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  6. I know there is nothing I can say to make things better but know I am praying for you.

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  7. I'm sorry Joy. This is really sad. I will be praying for you...

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  8. We are thinking of you and sending prayers, my heart aches for you even though I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Take care and know that we love you.

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  9. air hugs and tons of prayers your way. Be strong u got all u need as u travel the path to recovery. We love u sooo much joy!

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  10. My heart goes out to you Joy - I know how much you were both looking forward to having this child into your lives.

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  11. Joy, oh my sweetie, my hugs for you and all my prayers for your strenght and courage. I had to stop several times while I regain myself and prevent the tears from flowing. He/she was so much loved and anticipated from the beginning and will always be loved. I am so sorry for your lose and I am fervently hoping that you gain strenght from this experience fully knowing that you have your loving husband and gorgeous son beside you. I wish I would have the power to be there and to give you a tight hug ... but my prayers and my thoughts will do for now while you value your silence. just remember you have heaps of friends here who loves you and cares for you ....

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  12. 12.6.10 4:51am via FB

    Joy, the first time I read your blog, I felt so raw that I needed to organize my thoughts before sending you a message... first of all, I am so so sorry for your loss.... I cant tell you that i know how you feel because I dont, but suffice it to say that when I almost lost Bella during my pregnancy, all i did was cry - i had no energy for anything.... we will never know why and or why it happened to you of all people.... but nevertheless, you are still your own person...you are complete... a wonderful mother to Noah and a great friend... you are loved by many people - and you deserve every bit of that love.... sending you comforting hugs from halfway around the world....

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  13. Having just found you, this post is new to me, though the heatbreak is older for you. I have been there 3 times. The first time was my first pregnancy and it was like having a bucket of ice water dumped on me. I never even considered that pregnancy loss was an option in our quest for a baby.
    The second time was a chemical pregnancy and so I never became attached because I didn't really find out until it was over. The third time left an indelible scar on my heart. After a physically challenging round of IVF, I was carrying twins. One never grew enough to have a heartbeat and the second started with a slower than normal heartbeat that continued to slow down over a period of almost a week before it stopped completely.
    My heart hurts for you because I know the hope we have for that new life even upon hearing it is growing inside of us, and I know the pain of letting that life go when we find it is not going to be.
    A friend once told me something that actually helped. I'll pass it along to you. She said, "Every soul has something it needs to accomplish in this world. Some souls only need to be conceived and that is their purpose. Those souls are sent to special women who can carry them a short time and then they are gone. God chooses special women for this task because it is so difficult."
    I hope there is something in there that speaks to you. It did for me.

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  14. Thank you so much for your touching message Lisa. Yes, your friend's response is very healing. Please thank her for me.

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  15. We are thinking of you and sending prayers, my heart aches for you even though I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Take care and know that we love you.

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  16. Having just found you, this post is new to me, though the heatbreak is older for you. I have been there 3 times. The first time was my first pregnancy and it was like having a bucket of ice water dumped on me. I never even considered that pregnancy loss was an option in our quest for a baby.
    The second time was a chemical pregnancy and so I never became attached because I didn't really find out until it was over. The third time left an indelible scar on my heart. After a physically challenging round of IVF, I was carrying twins. One never grew enough to have a heartbeat and the second started with a slower than normal heartbeat that continued to slow down over a period of almost a week before it stopped completely.
    My heart hurts for you because I know the hope we have for that new life even upon hearing it is growing inside of us, and I know the pain of letting that life go when we find it is not going to be.
    A friend once told me something that actually helped. I'll pass it along to you. She said, "Every soul has something it needs to accomplish in this world. Some souls only need to be conceived and that is their purpose. Those souls are sent to special women who can carry them a short time and then they are gone. God chooses special women for this task because it is so difficult."
    I hope there is something in there that speaks to you. It did for me.

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