Friday, December 17, 2010

Soul's Winter

I wish there was a better way of saying this, but, my life feels constipated.  

This is what happens when someone like me gets derailed.  You see, I thrive in planning, getting things organized, being able to anticipate every single scenario imaginable and doing everything I can to be prepared for them.  Some people may think that's stressful but the idea of being unprepared and going through my days not knowing what to expect stresses me out more.  That's just who I am.  So...I plan.  I imagine.  I anticipate.  I organize what I can.

But what happens when what you've planned for, imagined and anticipated gets taken away? What happens is ME in its current state...quite lost, suspended, dark, life constipated.  

I was on a track, excitedly anticipating an addition to our family, nesting quite early.  I had plans for our house, rooms to organize, redecorate, renovate.  I had a wardrobe lined up for a belly expected to grow huge.  I had bags of old yet slightly used baby clothes and toys lined up to be transported from the basement shelving to the second floor room.  I was imagining how to place two car seats in our family vehicle, how to do errands with two children in tow, how to go on vacations, where and if it would even be possible in the next three years.  Would our family earnings be enough?  How will I revise our budget?  Maybe I should rethink the placement of our playroom?  Should I get new toys?  What will the new sleeping arrangement be?  

The list went on...

And now it's gone...

Redefining one's life is never easy.  I've done it at least thrice before.  I've had a broken engagement and had my heart broken.  I've had to unexpectedly migrate, be married and have had to give up everything familiar to me.  I became a mother for the first time.  In all these major changes, things very dear to me had to be given up somehow and though there were immeasurable gains, those only came after perspective was applied. My trouble now seems to be that I can't grasp that much needed perspective.  I was reading one of Oprah Winfrey's 'What I Know For Sure' entries and she said that gratitude is necessary for gaining perspective.  Only then, she said, can you begin to feel empowered again, instead of getting weighed down by your pains and woes (not exactly her words, of course).  

I get it.  Believe me, I really, really do.  However, my sense of gratitude these days seems to be overshadowed by this cloud of bitterness and resentment.  The questions in my head linger and though I know these are pointless for I may never arrive at the answers, this fact only further catapults me into a state of meaninglessness.  Neither does it help that God/the Divine and I have reached an impasse.  I've let Him know of my anger and resentment towards Him, but at the same time, I know He's still there looking, watching, hopefully not mocking me.  (Again, this is me talking from a place of darkness so don't pay too much attention).  

Yes, I am thankful for the things I love, for having my loved ones in my life.  I am grateful that they are STILL in my life and that sanity and the sheer will to live would not even be possible if they too were to be taken away.  I know that and that's what keeps me going. However, I am quite convinced that something needs to replace that which was taken away from me in order for me to successfully get myself back on track, or at least, get myself going on a new and equally pleasant track.  That's just logical, isn't it?  You get derailed, the previous road no longer seems plausible, therefore the only way to keep going on your journey is to find an alternate route, hopefully a pleasant one to say the least. I am left with a seemingly unfillable void and I do not want to have to burden anyone else in my world, especially Noah, with the responsibility to fill that in for me. That would be terribly unfair.  As I've learnt in the past, you cannot expect another person to give you something you cannot give yourself and make that as the premise of your relationship.    

I have work to do...for myself.  The trouble is, knowing is undeniably a universe away from doing.  What's worse is that I find that knowing is hardly an efficient impetus for motion. Belief is what I need.  I need to believe that this pain and void will either make sense eventually or that it won't matter to me whether I come to understand this or not. I need to believe that everything will re-align once more in my life; that I will eventually stop hating myself; that I will tire of the anger and bitterness and be able to move on to genuine contentment and peace.  I need to believe that the darkness I'm in now is not meaningless, that life's events are not random and that something rich and worthwhile will come to fruition after the clouds move away.  Though I've somehow rejected the idea of hope, seeing it as merely a pathway to disappointment and suffering, the irony now is that it seems to also be that which my spirit needs.

The questions now are, what will make me believe, where does hope lie ???  

(to be continued)...

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