Just two days ago, we finally found out that we are 4 weeks and a few days pregnant! As any IVF patient can attest to, I was holding my breath the whole time I was waiting for 'the phone call', much like when I was waiting for the UPCAT (University of the Philippines College Admissions Test) results in 1990. At around 13:51, my mobile phone finally rang but I did not take the call and opted for the caller to leave a voice mail message. That way, Hubby and I can listen to it together. I let 5minutes pass and went upstairs so we can listen to the message. Only then was I able to breathe normally.
It's great that we're pregnant again and that IVF attempt #2 is successful. But the paranoia doesn't end, does it? Getting pregnant is only one chapter of this long story. Having a healthy and normal pregnancy for 40 weeks is another. This is the chapter I'm fretting over right now. However, I have two main reasons why the anxiety is considerably less than when I was first pregnant four years ago.
First, I now have Noah. It's not that I love this pregnancy (and child/ren??) any less, but it's true that the pressure is less since I already have one child. It's not that I don't want this as much, but I'm able to put things in perspective, and experience more gratitude for what has already been given and how far I've been allowed to go. This time around, what makes more sense is to just face up to my daily challenges as a mother with as much hope as any desiring heart can have, while simultaneously acknowledging that relinquishing control in this situation is really the only thing that makes sense. Just to dichotomize, what I always say is that science has done its job; it's now up to God and nature to take this pregnancy where it needs to go.
The second reason that eases my burden these days is the amount of support I've been receiving from friends and family. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of well wishes and especially, prayers said for us by my friends, (a special shout-out to my high school friends!). Through Facebook, a prayer brigade formed and prayers were/are said all over the world...and that's not an exaggeration! Friends are praying for me from the Philippines, Nepal, Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, Saudi Arabia, UAE, United Kingdom, Germany, Sweden, Canada and of course coast to coast here in the U.S.! (I hope I did not forget anyone!) I've been receiving messages expressing hope and sending love to our family and this has all been unexpected! I wish I can hug all these people and truly express to them the amount of gratitude I feel but even this blog entry is not enough. I am certain it's not enough for the depth of love and concern I feel coming from these caring souls is way beyond words. You have no idea how full my heart feels every time I read their messages and the beauty of it, is that I know it's all given freely and unconditionally.
Everyone knows none of us can be certain how all this will turn out. I admit I am terrified at times. But with a circle of love and prayers wrapping itself around me in these hopeful, yet uncertain times, I am always reminded that I am never walking alone...that God and his countless angels are there for me how ever life turns out.
I am reminded of something Iyanla Vanzant shared on the Oprah show more than a decade ago and it has always been one of my favorite words of wisdom. It went something like this (pardon me for my inaccuracy):
"When you reach the edge of a tunnel of darkness, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: that there will be something for you to step on, or that you will be taught how to fly."
To my angels, again, THANK YOU, for sharing your hearts with me. You are indeed 'letting your light shine'!