Friday, August 13, 2010

Fortune Friday 8.13.10: Transparency

“A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance.”

Countless people have told me in the past how much my name fits me.  JOY.  As I look at my name now, right there after typing it, it's almost as if just reading it makes you smile, doesn't it?  A word so short yet so full to the brim.  People have always said how I'm always smiling and it's always made me feel good about my name.  Was my heart just always merry?  No, definitely not.  It's because there is a difference between deliberate impression management and your natural and unguarded expression and demeanor.  

I'm generally pleasant around people, even those I don't know too well. However, if you saw me in one of my unguarded moments, you'd probably notice how serious and intense I seem.  In all honesty, those two words accurately describe me, more than 'joyous'....unfortunately.  

I became all the more aware of how our inner feelings and dispositions seep through our pores, whether we like it or not, when an older colleague of mine told me one time that she saw me walking by myself and noticed my face.  She said she couldn't help but think to herself how utterly lonely I looked and how it seemed as if I was carrying such a heavy burden.  I was beyond shocked, not to mention embarrassed, when she told me that, because I was going through something difficult with my ex at the time and tried so hard not to let other people know of my personal troubles.  I felt like I had been 'found out'.  I felt naked, defenseless.  I commended my colleague for being very perceptive but at the same time, like I said earlier, it was when I truly realized that whatever consumes you or resides in your heart, will show and people will see.

Well, I've been quite grumpy these past few days.  I'm not sure if something tangible is causing this mood or if it's hormones, but I sure don't possess a cheerful countenance these days.  Whatever it is, whatever is weighing me down better be 'diagnosed' soon so I can do something about it.  Because one thing is for sure....children are VERY perceptive and I don't want Noah to be affected too much by my disposition and ultimately behavior.  I've snapped at him and everyone in this house countless times just this past 3 days and I'm already dying with guilt here for being such a grouch.  

What about you?...What feeling resides in your heart and consumes you these days?  Let's hope you're all in a better place than the one I'm in right now....   

1 comment:

  1. 1:30pm via FB

    cheer up! it's just your hormones. that too, shall pass :)


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