Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Defying Physics

Shortly after waking up this morning, I felt a bit nostalgic and decided to look at some of our Church wedding photos.  Halfway through it, Noah woke up and started looking at the photos with me.  I would point at some images and ask him if he knew them.  Some of them he could recognize, some he could not.  He was having so much fun, seeing how his cousins looked 5  years ago.  The young teenagers now were just little boys and girls before and it was amazing for both Noah and myself.  Some lost weight, some gained, while some look exactly the same.  I thought, how time flies indeed...


  

After leafing through some more pages, Noah paused and asked, Where's my picture, Mommy?  Then I said, Well you weren't born then yet.  That was in 2005, you were in my tummy in 2006 and you got out of my tummy in 2007.  I thought that was the end of the conversation but then he smiled and said, I came on a spaceship and went here, and you guys were here, you and Daddy.  (pardon the grammatical awkwardness) 
 
I laughed and thought, Oh what a witty, funny boy!  But I know the weird part of me (possibly comprising 85% of my being) thought, What if he's really from outerspace?  That would explain so much!    And of course I also thought, If only it was really THAT simple!  (Let's save that for another blog entry, shall we?)

Seriously, though, other than appreciating my son's wit and imagination, I also felt a tinge of sadness as I realized how much he's grown.  He's speaking so well, making up stories, doing so much more on his own and acting more like a 'boy' than a 'baby'.  If you're a regular reader of this blog, you're probably thinking how I sound like a broken record at times.  I apologize.  But if you're a mother, I guess, the passage of time becomes more pronounced as you watch your child get older every day.  Actually, some days you don't notice as much (or maybe your denial dial is set at its max), and some days it just hits you how much has changed with your 'baby'.





Soon after this feeling of sadness, I then felt some guilt over how I used to wish he'd grow older, faster.  You see, my Noah has never been an 'easy' baby.  He had reflux as an infant.  He's always been a light sleeper.  And when he cries...oh my...He cries as if there were no tomorrows, cries with such intensity......until now....

Every.
Single.
Time.

I never had an easy time taking care of him because his being difficult has always been coupled with my being paranoid and overly-high-strung.  This insane combination made me always utter, How I wish you were older...How I wish you'd be more independent already and do things on your own.

But now, seeing how time truly flies, I often find myself holding him tightly, as if doing so could keep him from succumbing to the laws of time...as if squeezing him tight can guarantee me that that moment of holding my adorable 3 year old will forever be frozen, if not in time, in my memory...that it will never dissipate, not even by my own aging and inevitable memory lapses.  Often times now, I panic, wondering if I'm holding Noah enough, hugging him enough, doing my best to savor the way he feels, smells and sounds NOW.  Sadly 'now' never fails to slip through and bid me goodbye, taking with it much of the physical experience I want to preserve so desperately.   

Physicists have found that time is not universal, but rather personal.  Well, I will take that knowledge in my own universe and in this universe, I will allow myself to have time stand still as often as I want, for as long as my own brain will allow it.  That's really all I can do.

So my friends, be VERY careful what you wish for....it might just come sooner than you planned....and you know it ALWAYS does...

  





7 comments:

  1. Bajoyjoy, no matter how "old" your child gets, that child will always be your "baby." Speak from experience, I do, young Skywalker. My Francesca has now grown up to be an intelligent, beautiful, and independent woman, and yet, here I am, still calling her my "baby." So, I do believe that even when Noah is old enough to be married and have kids, he will still be your "baby." I know my daughter is now and will forever be my "baby."

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  2. you're not alone in that universe. and i tell you, there are more miracles to come as kids grow... keep enjoying every sec of it!

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  3. July 13, 2010 8pm

    Hay Joy, same here. Bella was allergic to my milk and was a colicky baby. The first 3 months of her life was challenging, more so because Daan left for Nepal (I was in Mla) a week after I gave birth. She has skin asthma and requires constant application of different creams for different parts of her body. The doctor said it would ease off as she grew older so I wished for the same thing as you did - for her to grow up quicker..... lo and behold, by 7 months she took her first step and by 10 months she walked independently! I was surprised and a bit saddened - she was no longer an infant. She didnt require me to get around... By 1.5 years, she could not only converse but "read" letters and identify numbers. It seems she has become her own person - no longer an extension of myself - and it has happened too quickly.... how I wish she would remain a baby... or perhaps what I really wish for is for her to need me as much as she did earlier in life....How her eyes would follow the trail of my voice (and only mine), how i would be the only person who could calm her down....ah, but I guess when I become sentimental, I do not recall all the worrisome nights I needed to stay up to observe her and give her medicine round the clock, the times I would breakdown in the morning out of sheer anxiety and sleeplessness, the moments I rushed her soiled diaper to testing labs to see if there was something wrong...I guess I have to contend with the fact that no matter how quickly she grows up, she will always be my baby and I will forever be her mother - nothing can come between that bond, not even independence....

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  4. Oh Joy! I've been having the exact same thoughts. My "baby" is leaving home in about 18 days. College beckons and it's time for him to be the man we've tried hard to raise him to be. It's so bittersweet. I feel exactly the same. I remember wanting infancy to end so I wouldn't have to wake up every 3 darned hours. I wanted toddlerhood to finish so I wouldn't have to break my back chasing a boy hell-bent on learning to walk and run. I celebrated when he finally quit asking me for homework help only to realize I miss sitting next to him helping him sound out complicated words on his spelling list. I wanted a conclusion to the uncertainty of Senior Year and College applications. Now I have everything I wished for and all I want is to have more time with my baby. More time being his mommy. More hugs. More kisses. More "I love you"s. Okay now I'm crying. 'Nuff said. xi

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  5. Oh Kat, wish I can hug you right now. I won't pretend and say I know EXACTLY how you feel but somehow, I think I know at least a fraction of it. One of the consolations I think is that you can still be confident that all your hardwork did not go to waste. He is a FINE man and here's ANOTHER fine man loving you with all his heart!

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  6. Peach Fondevilla MontesaJuly 23, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    July 17 12:48am (via FB)

    Super true...that they grow up too fast, that we may wish for them to need us less but also long for them to need us still, that they will always be our babies. I often hug and kiss Vito and Ella while they sleep, and wish in my heart they know how much they're loved and how thankful I am to be their mommy. I believe motherhood is a wonderful privilege, more than it is a responsibilty. It is the best yet most difficult job I've ever had, but I wouldn't trade it for any other experience! =)

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  7. Peach Fondevilla MontesaJune 23, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    July 17 12:48am (via FB)

    Super true...that they grow up too fast, that we may wish for them to need us less but also long for them to need us still, that they will always be our babies. I often hug and kiss Vito and Ella while they sleep, and wish in my heart they know how much they're loved and how thankful I am to be their mommy. I believe motherhood is a wonderful privilege, more than it is a responsibilty. It is the best yet most difficult job I've ever had, but I wouldn't trade it for any other experience! =)

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