Shortly after waking up this morning, I felt a bit nostalgic and decided to look at some of our Church wedding photos. Halfway through it, Noah woke up and started looking at the photos with me. I would point at some images and ask him if he knew them. Some of them he could recognize, some he could not. He was having so much fun, seeing how his cousins looked 5 years ago. The young teenagers now were just little boys and girls before and it was amazing for both Noah and myself. Some lost weight, some gained, while some look exactly the same. I thought, how time flies indeed...
After leafing through some more pages, Noah paused and asked, Where's my picture, Mommy? Then I said, Well you weren't born then yet. That was in 2005, you were in my tummy in 2006 and you got out of my tummy in 2007. I thought that was the end of the conversation but then he smiled and said, I came on a spaceship and went here, and you guys were here, you and Daddy. (pardon the grammatical awkwardness)
I laughed and thought, Oh what a witty, funny boy! But I know the weird part of me (possibly comprising 85% of my being) thought, What if he's really from outerspace? That would explain so much! And of course I also thought, If only it was really THAT simple! (Let's save that for another blog entry, shall we?)
Seriously, though, other than appreciating my son's wit and imagination, I also felt a tinge of sadness as I realized how much he's grown. He's speaking so well, making up stories, doing so much more on his own and acting more like a 'boy' than a 'baby'. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you're probably thinking how I sound like a broken record at times. I apologize. But if you're a mother, I guess, the passage of time becomes more pronounced as you watch your child get older every day. Actually, some days you don't notice as much (or maybe your denial dial is set at its max), and some days it just hits you how much has changed with your 'baby'.
Soon after this feeling of sadness, I then felt some guilt over how I used to wish he'd grow older, faster. You see, my Noah has never been an 'easy' baby. He had reflux as an infant. He's always been a light sleeper. And when he cries...oh my...He cries as if there were no tomorrows, cries with such intensity......until now....
I never had an easy time taking care of him because his being difficult has always been coupled with my being paranoid and overly-high-strung. This insane combination made me always utter, How I wish you were older...How I wish you'd be more independent already and do things on your own.
But now, seeing how time truly flies, I often find myself holding him tightly, as if doing so could keep him from succumbing to the laws of time...as if squeezing him tight can guarantee me that that moment of holding my adorable 3 year old will forever be frozen, if not in time, in my memory...that it will never dissipate, not even by my own aging and inevitable memory lapses. Often times now, I panic, wondering if I'm holding Noah enough, hugging him enough, doing my best to savor the way he feels, smells and sounds NOW. Sadly 'now' never fails to slip through and bid me goodbye, taking with it much of the physical experience I want to preserve so desperately.
Physicists have found that time is not universal, but rather personal. Well, I will take that knowledge in my own universe and in this universe, I will allow myself to have time stand still as often as I want, for as long as my own brain will allow it. That's really all I can do.
So my friends, be VERY careful what you wish for....it might just come sooner than you planned....and you know it ALWAYS does...