Thursday, February 25, 2010

In Hindsight

Chapter I

She was the one he wanted most, but also the one he couldn't bear to disappoint and fail. He was so sure of his worthlessness and incapacity to make her happy that he did not have the courage to risk it all with her.  He would rather let her go and suffer alone, than 'inflict himself on her' and see her unhappy, unfulfilled.

She was also the one he feared the most.  He was a man so used to living alone, coping with loneliness, that any possibility of deep joy, love and fulfillment was seen as fearful.  He admitted that for the very first time, he felt happy and alive loving her, being with her, hoping for her..and yet he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it and recover if their love ever ended, if they parted.  He was so sure that was the kind of pain and brokenness he would never be able to recover from.  And that caused him so much fear...so much that love did not stand a chance.

In the end, there is one basic truth for him that he was never able to heal.  It is his belief that he is broken and unworthy, and that everything he touches is cursed to fail.  Every decision he made, all the pain he caused both of them stemmed from that belief.  The problem is, his belief is an illusion to her.  And her belief in his perfection is an illusion to him.  How can such dissonance breed and nurture love and an everlasting union?  It was all doomed since the beginning.


Chapter II

In the beginning, my steps were fraught with uncertainty.  You were new, different, surprisingly refreshing and truthfully, undoubtedly threatening to the facade of self-contentment I've so painstakingly perfected.  It didn't take long for me to feel, that the certainty in your spirit was more than enough to plant my feet firmly on this journey of spiritual partnership.

When I look back at how we started, remembering how you were, the things you wrote or said, I always feel a sense of innocence or purity about you. You really were a breath of fresh air and for a change, I loved how secure you've always made me feel; how reassured I've always been, stable and secure with your intentions, affection and love.  With this sense of security, this calmness you brought into my life, I knew I could do so much more, be so much more of who I am meant to be.  I've also always seen you as an equal and I've always felt I could be my self around you.  Only in this state of comfort, truthfulness and freedom can one truly grow.  When we could be our true selves, that's when we make space for evolution; space for our souls to feel free to strive for anything we desire to be and in the process giving greater chance for our highest selves to be realized...only when we feel free to be our genuine selves.  And that is the greatest gift meeting you, loving you, and being loved by you have given me.  Not only do you honor me at both my best and worst, you encourage me to accept my self as well, even those parts I am not at peace with.  Your love healed and continues to heal and I will always be grateful for that.

Our relationship is far from perfect.  But it's in the bumps and imperfect edges that we are able to constantly affirm our commitment to grow together, our commitment to embrace even each other's sacred intransigence.    

I feel blessed, beyond words, to be loved by someone like you.  And I am equally blessed for having the privilege of loving you.  They say happiness is more difficult to articulate and write about, compared to pain and sorrow.  In agreement with this, I can only echo words from a timeless love song at this point and hope these words are enough to capture how my heart beats for you...

Time after time 
I tell myself that i’m
So lucky to be loving you
 
So lucky to be
The one you run to see
In the evening, when the day is through
 
I only know what I know
The passing years will show
You’ve kept my love so young, so new
 
And time after time
You’ll hear me say that i’m
So lucky to be loving you






9 comments:

  1. Wow, Joy! AJ's a lucky guy! I am happy for both of you!

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  2. I was immediately intrigued when I read the blurb on Facebook about this blog. I'm in class (I know, tsk tsk on me!), and while I thought it would be best to read this blog at home, because I could sense it was going to be an emotionally pulling one, I could not resist clicking that link and reading it.

    It's absolutely beautiful. This seems like one of the most personal blogs you have written so far, and I commend your courage to put it all out there for others to see you so nakedly and to allow yourself to become this vulnerable.

    This blog not only illustrates your journey, but also prompts readers to reflect on their own relationships. In this way, I think you are truly connecting with your audience in a magical way.

    Thanks for sharing, again.

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  3. Joy, I'm speechless...I so love this one...makes me feel so in love:)

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  4. I am privileged to have been witness to your transformation- from the Joy P of Sociology to AJ's wife and Noah's mom. How far have we come.... I am happy for you and AJ and the life you have together. Keep writing, Joy. You have the gift....

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  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  6. Exquisitely beautiful and moving, Joy. There was so much emotion, I had a lump in my throat halfway through. I admit I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to love. It is truly a delight when you love someone and you know that your hearts belong together. Such deep love.. ♥

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  7. Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of
    kindness, blow the rest away. - George Elliot

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  8. sobrang inggit ako!

    pero mas higit ang kaligayahan ko dahil sa natagpuan mo siya! ang hinahanap nating lahat...tunay na mapalad ka joy! pero higit na mapalad siya! hehehe!

    isang kita ko pa lang sa inyong dalawa, alam kong tunay kayong pinagtagpo ng langit upang pagsaluhan ang habambuhay...nawa'y lalo pang tumibay ang inyong pagsasama at tumingkad ang inyong pagmamahal para sa isa't isa!

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