Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Christmas 2009

Two more days and it's Christmas. In the past (and I mean that other lifetime when I was single), this would be around that time when I would go into 'melancholy mode' and simmer in my pseudo depressive state. The routine looks something like this: I would wait until everyone in the house is either gone or off to bed. Then I would turn off all the lights at home and turn on the Christmas tree lights. I would then sit or lie down on the couch facing the tree while playing all the sentimental Christmas songs I can find. For the most part, I normally play different versions of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" over and over again since to me, this is the most beautifully melancholic holiday song. As I listen to the song/s, I try to think of the past year and how lonely I've been for not having a love life. I can guarantee you that 100% of the time, those 'Christmas Tree moments' were all about pining for someone who I thought was my perfect 'destiny'. Now whether or not that person was real or imaginary is a different matter altogether.  My point is that it was really all about desiring, expecting, whining about what I didn't have in my life.

Well, news flash!....Old habits do die hard..somehow. So last night, I decided to keep true to my semi-masochistic tradition.  I turned off all the lights in the house save for the Christmas tree lights, played my medley as usual and sat on the couch.  Something was very different though, this time around.  I found it hard to want, expect, whine and look sadly at the past year because this time, I felt my hands were so full.  I had AJ's hand in one, and held Noah's with the other.  It didn't make sense to complain because everything I truly need I knew I already have.  

It's very cliche to say that we need to appreciate what we already have instead of looking at the things we don't have, in order to be happy.  Much as I would like to disprove that kind of thinking, I really can't.  Though I am no stranger to wanting and insatiability (as I've said countless times on this blog site), and there are so many things that I still do want and feel lacking in my life, at the end of the day, there is really just one thing that fills my heart and spirit to the brim.  It's the fact that when AJ, Noah and I lie down together in bed, I sincerely feel that everything I could ever need is right there on that bed. These are two people who love me to the core and whom I am able to love deeply as well.  We have our health, we are together and happy with utmost simplicity. Believe me when I say that those very basic things do bring unfathomable joy. After all, the only real deal and ultimate bottom line is and will always be 'LOVE'. And what better time to celebrate love than Christmas time?  

For most of us who celebrate Christmas, may we not forget what we truly are celebrating.  It isn't the festive lights, the gifts, the crazy spending, parties and feasts.  All those are utterly peripheral.  Truly at the center of it all is the birth of Christ; our Lord's gift of coming to be with us, to sacrifice, and eventually suffer, all for our salvation...all so we may realize the meaning of LOVE.  

Let me end this blog, my last blog for this year, with one of my favorite quotes on love...

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. ----- Rainer Maria Rilke



  1. Jesus Christ is indeed the reason for the season! And what better way to show that but with LOVE! Merry Christmas!

  2. You captured so well the spirit of the season for me too, Joy. Thanks for sharing.


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