Self-Assertion Is Different From Obnoxiousness

When my son comes home from school, our very first conversation after the hugging and kissing always involves a detailed response to 'How was your day'.  Some days he's in the mood to really talk, while some days I'm not so lucky and I have to pry harder.  The other day his response started with "Well, I have something bad to say, Mommy". Naturally, I started to worry.  He proceeded to tell me that as he was playing with one of his friends, this friend of his got a little rough and ended up really punching him on the torso.  Sure they were playful punches but my son said it really hurt.  He didn't fight back.  Naturally a long lecture ensued from this, both from me, and then his Dad that evening.  We sounded like a broken record but at least we felt confident when we sent him to school the following morning.  He got his reminders from both of us and we all agreed on how he needs to conduct himself.  His Dad said, "Never let anyone hurt you", while I let him walk away with "Stand up for yourself, for what's in your heart". (Background:  We've established that Noah knows deep down what is right, that if he truly listens to his heart, what's inside, he will know what needs to be done, which direction to take).  

I cannot begin to tell you how stressed and disappointed I was when, upon entering the house yesterday after school, Noah reported that he played the same game with the same 'friend' and he ended up getting punched on the cheek this time.  I lost it.  Completely.  This time the anger was worse because I knew I was certainly more angry and disappointed with my son than with the other boy.  Noah even tried to argue and said, "I kicked him back, but he was too fast".  Suffice to say that my poor son got bombarded with every response imaginable, from the "Of course he's too fast!  He's almost a year older than you!", to "Did you not hear anything from me and your Dad yesterday and this morning???!!!"  

Obviously, he missed the point.  So this time I made my point as simply as I could.  I told him not to even engage the other boy, to simply say NO to the game and insist on playing a different game.  I warned him repeatedly that most likely, the other boy won't like it and would insist on what he wants.  So I kept repeating to Noah to stand his ground, fight for what is right for him, and that there are other kids to play and be friends with.  If the boy ends up leaving him to play with someone else, let it be.  It's okay.  It's going to be fine.  

It's a tough balancing act.  I know that 'boys will be boys' but I also know that rough can be 'too rough' some times. I want him to be 'nice' but not 'too nice' to the point of growing up to be a doormat.  I don't want him to be a 'rebel' because there is value in conformity.  But I also want him to be a 'leader' and be independent-minded instead of just always automatically following what everybody else does or tells him to do. I want him to eventually understand (sooner, than later, hopefully!) that we all have boundaries to keep; that there is a difference between 'being mean', 'overly aggressive' or 'abrasive' and simply saying when something is 'not okay' and standing up for oneself, keeping your boundaries intact.  And finally, as a parent, I'm also trying to find my own balance because though I want to protect Noah, I also want to support him in his socialization process.  I don't want to intervene so quickly because I want him to learn to deal with these things and other conflicts on his own.  I know that releasing the reins reasonably is how we can teach accountability and responsibility.  He will be better equipped if he learns how to deal with friendships and conflicts this early.  He will be better equipped if he understands early how important standing up for oneself truly is.

I just find it amazing (and amusing) how life really prepares us for the next step.  Last week I was attacked here too. Boundaries were violated, on my own site, my own space, for the blog post I wrote about winning a blog competition. Two bloggers took the liberty of spewing their negativity here, leaving comments filled with unfair and false accusations.  They even went so far as to say that I'm not a 'blogger' just because I don't blog as often as they do, so how could I have possibly won a blogging competition.  In the entire process, they not only insulted me (or my online persona, as one of my friends pointed out, given that they really don't know me), but insulted everyone who supported me in that competition. That is a line I choose to draw.  I did not want to stoop to their level, but at the same time, I felt I had to address some of the unfair, illogical and hypocritical things they said.  However, I knew when it had to stop and when to stop engaging them.  I knew it would go nowhere because their intention was not to clarify anything with me, but to insult me and take away the joy of Catharsis' victory.  (What they didn't realize is that by showing me how much the victory meant to them, they were adding to the honor I felt for achieving something that was obviously so coveted).  

After a short while it was clear to me that I had to temporarily disable commenting on this site, as some of you might have noticed.  And now that commenting is back, I am clear about what types of comments to allow and which ones I will never tolerate.  I allow for disagreements and constructive criticism of ideas.  But once you start attacking people personally and simply comment to spread your negativity, I want you to know that you are not welcome in this site.  

This site is sacred to me and I want it to be a space for exploring my passion, my ideas, while hoping to be able to inspire, spread a sense of gratitude, and help others see the richness in the mundane in terms of insights we can glean from them. These are my intentions and I can only hope that I'm succeeding somehow, even if it's in some minute way.


P.S. A problem occurred with my site's commenting section but I have managed to fix this for most of my recent posts.  Thank you for your patience and please feel free to leave your comments below.  


Photo Credit: Gordon Browne (1858-1932) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

What I Learned From A Mom Blog Competition

Approximately six weeks ago, I received an email from voiceBoks, an online community of parent bloggers, informing me that Catharsis had been nominated for the Top Mom Blog Award for 2013.  I was thrilled!  Who wouldn’t be?  After years of blogging and doing my best to take Catharsis to the next level (whatever that means and where ever that may be), I was finally gaining some recognition.  VoiceBoks is a huge community and to just be selected as a nominee is, to me, an absolute honor in itself. 

I patted myself on the back and allowed myself to float in a peaceful cloud of self-satisfaction for a few hours and then went to work.  And by ‘work’ I mean I started to make the announcement to all my social networks.  Voting had to start as soon as possible in order to have a real shot at winning.  I had to get as many people as I can to hit ‘Like’ on my blog page over at voiceBoks. 

Votes started pouring in quite easily at first.  I advertised to family, blogger friends, former co-workers, school friends (from elementary to graduate school) and shamelessly even to acquaintances.

Little did I know at the time that these things could turn a bit ‘ugly’.  Not overwhelmingly ugly, but ugly enough to cause me stress.  Before I proceed though, I just want to give you the happy ending and announce that WE won!!  We are No.1 on the Top Mom Blog list of 2013, so CONGRATULATIONS to us, Catharsis friends and supporters!

But this blog entry is not merely an announcement but to share with you my realizations with the whole experience of joining this contest.  Here they are:

• I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but I am grateful and feel blessed beyond words that I have such amazingly supportive, gracious and loyal friends.  I have been asked how I ended up with so many votes for this competition, and frankly I wasn’t expecting to win either.  At some point, I even thought of just giving up the campaign and wanted to leave it all up to fate.  But I had friends who kept pushing and encouraging me.  They were simply amazing throughout the competition.  Not only did they vote for me, they also did their own campaign among their contacts, working hard and making sure they got the word out and the votes in.  They never stopped believing in me and genuinely wanted to see Catharsis on the top spot, as if it was their own child, their baby!  I am simply overflowing with a sense of gratitude and continue to be humbled by my friends’ belief in me and their dedication.  They didn’t have to do it, but they did.  Through them, I truly witnessed authentic generosity in action; giving without expecting anything in return.  I am in great company.  That’s for sure!

• Never underestimate Pinoy (Filipino) Power.  I had contacts from all over the world, with different nationalities, who were more than willing to support me in this competition.  But the strongest and steadiest support undoubtedly came from my Filipino friends and family.  In a way, this isn’t really surprising at all since I’ve witnessed how Filipinos can cheer and root for the likes of Manny Pacquiao, Lea Salonga, Charice Pempengco, or a talented Filipino contestant on the American Idol.  We’ve also been known for overthrowing a dictator through peaceful means so I know what this ‘power’ can be capable of.  I'm not saying I have the same celebrity status as those above.  I just didn’t expect I would be on the receiving end of it and it’s amazing and humbling at the same time.

• Some people take competitions way too seriously and don’t know how to just have fun.  I guess you could say that I saved the ‘best’ for last, the most shocking revelation or realization for me after being part of this blog competition.  Maybe I was just naïve getting into this, but I really wasn’t expecting this.  ‘Expecting what?’, you might ask.  Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting to be monitored by another blogger nominee to see how many votes I’ve received and see who’s ahead.  And I most certainly didn’t expect to be accused by the same nominee of creating fake Facebook profiles just to end up with more votes.  It certainly wasn’t fun to be called a ‘cheater’ behind my back.  I felt offended and attacked and it didn't make sense to me because this person doesn't even know me.  I didn't see the point in confronting her and just hoped that my silence would turn out to be another investment in good karma.  Families, schools, mass media and other socialization institutions always    teach our children the message “The journey is more important than the  destination”.  Or, “Winning is not as fun and important as playing the  game”.  Sadly, even some adults who are parents themselves don’t seem  to understand such lessons, or worse, preach them but don’t live them.     This (misplaced) over-competitive nature was so off-putting and disorienting for me at some point.  As far as I knew, I was in a mom blog competition which meant I was in the company of other mothers, writers, who enjoy camaraderie and showing support to fellow parents and bloggers.  Aren’t we supposed to be cheering for each other, instead of putting the other down?  Though I was left with a slight bad taste in my mouth, I refuse for this experience to define other amazing bloggers who are indeed very pleasant, supportive and know the meaning of friendly competition.  More importantly, I want to make it clear that one’s bad attitude and behavior do not define voiceBoks as a community, which has always been nothing but supportive, fair and encouraging!

I am not letting the 'bad' overshadow the amount of gratitude I feel.  I've always worked hardfor my written work and I am just so happy that people are noticing.  Most importantly, this blog competition truly helped me reconnect with a lot of my high school mates who have been so selfless with their support and love.  Our bonding experience through this is simply priceless.  

To STC Batch '90, this victory is for all of us!!  Let your light shine, always!!

What Every Non-Native English Speaker Longs For

Recently I've been noticing that I've been having some 'speaking' issues.  To be more specific, it actually has to do with how I'm pronouncing some English words.  I normally don't have any difficulty and if you asked anyone who knows me, you'd be told that I was never one who had major issues with diction.  However, in the past two weeks, I've really been having more 'slips' than usual and though it's hilarious when I make such mistakes at home, the thought of committing them while talking to others (translate: Americans) scares me.  I think it would just be too embarrassing. I'll give you two examples, although these were not the actual mistakes I've made.

Instead of saying 'potato chips', I would say 'potato chEEps'.  (long E sound, instead of short I).

Or perhaps while eagerly trying to tell an intriguing and riveting story to my husband about 'Christopher' (and no, that's just an example and not an actual person we know), I would have pronounced his name as 'ChristoPer' (no F sound, which is absolutely embarrassing especially among Filipinos who are doing their best to speak proper English).  

My theory for this anomaly that's been going on is simple.---

My tongue must be getting tired.

No matter how fluent I am in English, the fact is that this is still only my second language.  I still prefer to speak Tagalog (ta-ga-log, all short vowel sounds) if I could have my way.  It's still Tagalog that is effortless for me and most automatic for my tongue, and let's face it...my brain.

A question most asked to bilingual people who have learned to speak English (or some other foreign language) quite fluently is this:  In what language do you think?  In other words, people are curious if we are constantly translating in our heads before we can even utter anything coherent or sensible in English.  I always find it difficult to answer this question because most times, there is no more clear, or word-per-word translation going on.  I have been speaking both Tagalog and English since childhood and admittedly, it all just flows.  However there are days when I feel 'stuck', or a little 'lost' and 'rusty'.  I think these days signal the tiredness, the longing for my native language.  

I'm still fairly lucky that my spouse understands basic Filipino, but I know communication with him would still be much simpler if I just spoke English.  I mean, we already have a lot of misunderstandings as it is, with me speaking proper English.  God knows what level of havoc we'd manage to create if I decided to communicate in Tagalog!  As for my son, well that's just going to be impossible.  All he knows are some (and by some I mean no more than 10) basic Filipino words and I'm not proud of that at all.  I do want to teach him the Filipino language but let's save that project for another day, shall we?  All I can tell you is that right now, I feel that my tongue needs a break, a vacation from English.  I think it wants to have a decent conversation with someone in straight Tagalog.  I want to be able to tell a story, with all its gory details and my own thoughts and crazy input, in pure, highly emotive, Tagalog.  Is that too much to ask for??  (I guess it is when you live in Middle Tennessee).

And did I mention to you how liberating and absolutely natural it feels to be angry in your native language?!  That's also how I know I definitely need a break from English because I got angry recently and everything that automatically got spewed from my mouth was Tagalog. And when that happens, my son is not left with any doubt that Mommy is absolutely, 100% upset!  Once he hears Tagalog cuss words out of Mommy's mouth, uttered in a crystal clear tone where the syllables are broken up e-v-er--so--crisp-ly, that just means Trouble.  (For my Filipino readers, you know such cuss terms normally start with the letter 'P').  When I tried shifting back to English so that Noah could understand me, I ended up saying 'Go back to your sIt', instead of 'Go back to your sEAt'.  You can just imagine how ineffective that was.  *sigh....I should've just said 'chair', dang!*

It's exhausting, trust me.  Trying to pronounce, enunciate, and accentuate 'properly' all the time when it's not the natural tendency of the tongue you were born with, can wear you out and definitely has its limits.  Since it's already the weekend, maybe I'll spend the next two days speaking more Tagalog and drowning myself with Filipino movies and songs, just so I have my 'break' and reconnect with my Filipino tongue and consciousness.  In the meantime, I humbly (and shyly) present to you this audio file to acquaint yourself a bit more with my Filipino tongue speaking American English.  When you're done here, don't forget to count your blessings, especially those you take for granted as they have been so embedded in your daily lives.  If anything, just be grateful for speech.  

*An excerpt from the book You Know You're Filipino If...A Pinoy Primer was read in the audio file.

The Building Blocks of Fun

It's all about timing.  

I'm a firm believer of that and what happened this past weekend is proof that the above saying holds true.  Alright. Brace yourselves for this revelation.

Believe it or not, I (yes, ME...bordering anti-social person who overthinks and easily gets stressed out about most everything and is also generally non-crafty!!) hosted a Lego-themed party for my son's birthday.

Say, what????!!!

Yes, I did it and I'm happy and proud that I lived to tell and tell coherently given that I'm still obviously sane!

I say that it's about timing because the idea popped up when I was feeling open to trying new things and challenging myself.  The thought also came to me early enough for me to do a lot of research and execute a lot of the necessary steps ahead of time that somehow helped minimize the stress level.  Suffice it to say that this party was one month in the making.  I also need to stress that the party would not have been at all possible without Pinterest and all the mom bloggers out there who have done it before and had the generosity to share their creativity online.  I was really surprised at the amount of resources available and honestly cannot imagine what kind of spirit possessed those other moms that they came up with such creative game ideas for Lego-obsessed kids!  Obviously that same 'spirit' is not available for me to invoke, hence my pure reliance on Pinterest.

I've been asked if it was difficult overall.  My most honest answer would have to be to say that on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being most difficult, I would give this a rating of either 6 or 7.  I give that rating because it's definitely time-consuming and you need to give yourself ample time to either order things online or go to multiple stores to gather the needed materials (Lego pieces, Lego cases, colored paper or cardstock, food items, etc.).  Other than that, all you need is to have the skill to cut and be a little resourceful so that you can copy shapes from existing images.

This is how this party made my office look like for weeks...

My desk was completely held hostage at some point

cutting and printing images for the kids to color

This was one of the hardest for me...copying the Lego man's shape and
making him so much bigger for the Pin the Head game

Ordered a Lego brick set online and had to sort them so that each guest ends
up with the same amount of blocks and same shapes.  I got the mini-figure
cases (blue items on the floor) from 2 different Target locations because
they only had 6 left in one, and I needed 8.

The day before the party, I had the brilliant idea to decorate a steamer pan
so I can use it to hold the Lego marshmallow heads I made for the kids...

When it came to deciding on what kind of food to serve, I stuck to a simple menu.  I knew that trying too hard for BOTH the children and adults would be like hosting two simultaneous parties and I just didn't feel equipped for such a task (or insanity?).  So I decided early on that I would just serve pizza and cake and some other simple sweets for the kids and one dish for the adults (other than the extra pizza).  

Marshmallows on lollipop sticks coated with yellow candy melts
(sticks, plastic wrappers and candy melts all purchased from
Michaels)

I used PicMonkey to create the invitations and I knew it was a success when, after showing the card to my husband, he thought it was a photo I just downloaded online.  I proudly said, "Nope...I built those plates myself, took those three Lego men and shot the photo!"

I took my mommy friends' advice and made sure there was an activity or game planned for every minute of the two-hour party.  The following activities/games were played:  coloring pages (while waiting for everyone to arrive); guesstimate; build the tallest tower; add your creation to the plate; find the Lego man (I took 35 lego figures and put them in corners, low shelves or anywhere the kids can easily reach without being too conspicuous); and finally, pin the Lego man's head (instead of Pin the Tail).

coloring / activity table (while waiting for guests to arrive)

I cut Lego head shaped cards where each child was asked
to write his name and guesstimate as to how many Lego
pieces are in the jar

Add Your Creation to the Plate

the finished creation done by 8 boys

Pin the Head

Thanks to a high school friend of mine who informed me that Cold Stone can make a Lego ice cream cake!

I downloaded a Lego font and printed the letters for
the birthday banner

I made 'Lego cookies' for the kids (Instead of using sugar cookies,
I just bought Pepperidge Farm's Chessmen which are not too
sweet, and then topped them with icing and M&M's)

Pulled Pork (and pizzas) for the adults

So yes, it's all about timing.  

You need to plan way ahead so you don't run out of time and lose your mind.  

The thought of committing to hosting this kind of party needs to hit you and sink in when you are feeling adventurous and willing to invest the time and effort.  

I also believe that this kind of party can only really be successful and manageable if the celebrant and his guests are at that age when they can appreciate Legos and know how to abide by rules.  (That's me being practical and realistic, not to mention a control freak!).  

Most of all, it is about timing because I don't think I can throw another party like this again.  As such, I think I was able to do it just at the right time, when Noah is old enough to remember, and yet still young enough that he still has a lot of sense of adventure and magic in him.  I, on the other hand, feel like I'm getting too old for these things.  I'm glad it's done now and I feel like I've passed a test and gone through this rite of passage.  It was fun and I will always treasure the memories.  But next year, I hope my son will settle for a nice quiet restaurant meal.  We'll see...

Hungry Haiku

I'm on my third week of trying out the Fast Diet and for some reason, today just feels exceptionally difficult.  I am craving carbs like crazy that I can't focus enough to write a decent blog post.  As such, all I could come up with at the moment is this humble and honest haiku....

I'm beyond famished

that the keys on my laptop

look like brownie bites.

Photo Credit: By Bryan Ochalla (Flickr: Reese's Pieces brownie) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons